YOGA, SEX & CELIBACY
when i told my ex-boyfriend i was replacing sex with celibacy and a little more yoga, he snorted his salsa.
the fourth of the five yamas is brahmacharya.
sorry i’m getting this out so late!
i’m actually super excited for this one
heads up this week’s practice is a little different. i’ll walk you through it step-by-step under WEEK 4 PRACTICE
in the meantime, back to my story about sex and celibacy…
when i told my ex-boyfriend i was replacing sex with celibacy and a little more yoga, he snorted his salsa.
“always with the extremes,” he said. “maybe you just need to moderate.”
“what i need is to stop falling in love,” i shot back. “i’ve been in love with three different people in less than a year: first you, then the mail carrier, and don’t forget, this whole time i’ve also been in love with my ex-husband.”
“but … what does that have to do with sex?” he asked. then he invited me to a sex party.
this is the start of an essay i’ve been working on about the first time i went to an orgy. i’m sharing it here because i can’t think about the fourth yama without thinking about replacing sex with yoga and celibacy. and because i think it gives some important context on who i am and where i’m coming from in my thinking around this.
which, in the interest of transparency: i’m not celibate. i’m not monogamous. i am gay and i do sometimes go to orgies. also that convo with my ex was not the first or only time i’ve thought about/talked about/attempted periods of celibacy.
YAMA 4: BRAHMACHARYA
so, what is brahmacharya anyway? in sanskrit the root of brahmacharya is derived from [brahman], which means ultimate reality, divine creator, higher power. [charya] means to move or to follow. together, to follow or move toward the divine.
it is often interpreted as celibacy and complete abstinence from sexual activity, including sexual thoughts. for context, at the time of the yoga sutras were written yoga was traditionally practiced exclusively by men and to become a yogi they were required to “leave home” and live in isolation to find divine meaning and connection.
i am not a yogi, or a monk, or a man living at the time the yoga sutras were written. what i am is a flawed human interested in finding ways to grow along spiritual lines and turn my attention toward a higher power. so, in this post i am going to focus on my own experience/thinking/practice of applying this principle.
to that end, one way of interpreting this principle that speaks to me is “right use of energy.” about two years ago, around the time of that conversation about celibacy and sex parties with my ex, i made a decision to stop obsessively dating and falling in love. this decision came to me during the process of picking apart a number of other obsessive patterns and following the realization that i had dedicated nearly half of my life so far to finding, falling, and being in love.
and the thing is: there is always a tradeoff. we only have so much energy, and we only get so much time. i decided i had practiced the whole falling in love thing enough and wanted to shift my energy in another direction.
thinking about and trying to practice my own version of brahmacharya helps bring clarity to how and why i am making certain choices around connection and energy. it forces me to be honest with myself about where i am spending my energy and why and helps me have the strength to interrupt mindless or obsessive patterns before they take root and gain momentum.
the last way brahmacharya really shows up in my consciousness is in clarifying the power and meaning touch, intimacy, and sex hold for me. one of the harder parts of falling outside of the “norm” when it comes to sex and relationships is that you have to spend energy making up and following rules by yourself. you don’t have a simple script to follow. what’s “okay” or not is in constant flux and often a negotiation between yourself and the people you are connected to. the hard part is that this takes time and work and effort. the amazing part is that you get to the chance to be very intentional and purposeful in the choices you are making. (not that you can’t be intentional or purposeful inside of hetero-monog-etc structures it is just less common). for me, this looks like being honest with myself about what i want, what i can offer, what i have capacity for, and if a connection is in or out of alignment with the direction i want to be moving in.
WEEK 4 PRACTICE: BRAHMACHARYA
questions worth answering
if you want to apply any sort of restraint or intentionality around energy use you need to do two things:
be clear on where you want to spend your energy.
be honest about where you are spending energy and willing to work on alignment.
these two steps are our practice for the week.
PART ONE: where do you want to spend your energy?
maybe you already have a clear answer to this question. maybe you don’t. maybe your answer to this question is different today than it was a year ago. that’s okay.
but in order to be clear on if you are aligning your energy with your purpose you do need to have some idea what your priorities are. what really matters most to you in this life. here are some questions you could take into meditation or a free write or your dreams that may help you gain clarity on this:
what are your most important relationships (think expansively: romantic, familial, platonic, spiritual, etc)? how do you nurture them?
what practices do you have that bring you solace?
in what situations does spending energy feel easy and good?
in what situations does spending energy feel draining? cause resentment?
in what moments do you feel most aligned with your purpose?
in what moments do you feel most disconnected from your purpose?
PART TWO: honest accounting
each night for the next week make a habit of answering the following question:
did i spend my energy in ways that aligned with my greater purpose today?
/reflection
this whole week is a reflective practice. but i will leave you with an excerpt from Ravi Shankar’s poem “Lines on a Skull” to take with you:
life's little, our heads
sad. Redeemed and wasting clay
this chance. Be of use.
thank you so much for this, billie. love, a queer sober yogi who's making up the rules as i go.
I'm behind but jumping in and this is so helpful — looking at how and where I spend my energy. My constant obsessions with certain issues/things/thoughts that divert energy from my writing (what I want to spend energy on). Huge thanks!